POST ESPECIALLY FOR SHAINE (and anyone who reads this i guess.)

this is dedicated to shaine. he told me that he goes onto blogspot everyday, to see if ive updated my blog, and i havent in a month:/ im sorry:(
well, lets just say that im glad that im at home and NOT at school. today was such a emo day; i don't know. i guess its just everything that im frustrated about, it all came out today. i freaking broke down 3 times; i even ran out of a class (like WTH? i never do that.) its been bothering me forever, and it keeps coming back. i feel like i deserve it and all, but its almost like i keep getting shot down. i know its not intentional or anything, but it hurts real bad everytime it happens. I've tried keeping it to myself, but everytime it happens, i just have to tell someone about it, and i've begun realized how bad i wanted it. everytime it happens, i feel beat up inside, i get all hot and my chest gets heavy. heck, i've even dreamed about it. i know it sounds crazy, but its been happening for a while and i've wanted it for so long. (2 years now.) i realized the first year, i wasn't going to get it. this year, i was hoping for more, and i guess i had my mind set on this one thing, and when i didn't get it, it all came crashing down. its hard to see the same things happening over and over again.
i dont know what to do. i don't want to sound like a diva, but i think i deserve it. ive worked really hard, done things that are totally out of my comfort zone. this is practically my life. and even though i worked hard to get there, i want to keep going, cause i know what's possible and what's out there for me. if its something that i feel good about, i'll go for it. i felt like i've put myself on the line so many times, i've stayed committed and done just about everything (i've even waited-i tried to stay patient.) i want this so bad, and today, i felt like i missed out on an oppurtunity:( i don't know what else to do, but be patient and wait (like i've done before.) i wish i could tell this one person whats wrong and how i feel. but i can't. i guess that person obviously noticed it today, but sometimes i wished they'd just be more inquisitive and asked. like seriously, its happened so many times before- it makes me frustrated. i feel like you don't trust me, or have confidence in me. sometimes i feel like i have to prove myself to you. all i can say is, that i've tried real hard.
one thing i noticed today, was that i have friends who really care for me. they were there for me today, and i love you guys soooo much; thanks for that (i really didn't want to sound bratty or anything, but thankyou for just being there and listening.) i also know, now, that i have something in common with somebody else and they feel the same way. we had a really good talk and got everything out. we were both crying and had the same things to say; we had a moment and we related to eachother:)
this day's been really tough and almost like a rollercoaster.
im starting to like this song. i know its miley cyrus, but i love the lyrics.

The Climb

i can almost see it
that dream im dreaming but
theres a voice inside me head saying,
you'll never reach it
every step im taking,
every move i make feels
lost with not direction
my faith i shaking but i,
got to keep trying
got to keep my head held high

there's always gonna be another mountain
im always gonna wanna make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes im gonna have to lose
ain't about how fast i get there
ain't about what's waiting on the other side
its the climb

the struggles im facing
the chances im taking
sometimes might knock me down but
no, im not breaking
i may not know it
but these are the moments that
im going to remember most
just got to keep going
and i,
gotta be strong
just keeping pushing on, cause

there's always gonna be another mountain
im always gonna wanna make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes im gonna have to lose
ain't about how fast i get there
ain't about what's waiting on the other side
its the climb

.........................................................................................................<3